


We Have to Let Each Other Go

by MissRaichyl



Series: Love Story [15]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Breakups, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, High School, Love, Makeups, Missions, Mutual Pining, POV First Person, Senior year, Singing, Slow Burn, Song fic, Songs, pinao, relationships, vocal coach!Jesse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-28 21:22:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13280115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissRaichyl/pseuds/MissRaichyl
Summary: I thought Jesse was just a blip in Finn's and my forever story, our own little fairy tale, but now, standing here, pulled by his music, this song- what if it was Finn who was the blip, what if it had always been Jesse?





	We Have to Let Each Other Go

**Author's Note:**

> singing is in italics, so are personal thoughts, but I hope it's not confusing.

The piano keys dipped under the pressure of my fingers, the notes sliding out of it like magic. I remember sitting here, a year ago or so now, with Jesse beside me, messing with me as I practiced, bumping me with his shoulder, peppering me with kisses. _Ugh!_ I slam my hands down on the keys creating a terrible sound that echoes around me.

I lean back, letting out a deep breath. What is wrong with me? I shouldn't be thinking of him anymore. He was gone. I chose Finn in New York. Finn... but Jesse, after the show, his eyes, that look.

 _No._ I breathe deep again, returning my fingers to the keys, letting the somber song reach out. I hum along, testing my finesse with the piano. When I'm ready, I let the first word of the lyrics roll off my tongue but the focus is ruined by my boyfriend, shouting out through the auditorium. _Damn it._ The mood of the song floats away from me, disappearing with my concentration.

I look up, seeing Finn head down the stairs and I see Jesse for a moment, heading down, singing with me, I smile and when I realize what is going on, where my mind is heading, I slip a mask over my face, a neutral expression, a show face, as he comes to stand by the piano. They don't even look alike- the only thing they have in common is their determination.

"What's up?" He asks me, leaning on the instrument, looking around. I think the answer is obvious but I answer it just the same.

"Practicing for club," I say it as sweetly as I can- actually a bit annoyed that he interrupted me; Doesn't he know that practice is a sacred time between the artist and their work?

The annoyance does go away a little as he goes for my song book, "What song?" Looking interested, he flips through it. I borrowed it from the music center in town, where I met Jesse... I flick the memory away mentally. Finn makes me happy, _is_ _currently_ making me happy, taking an interest in my interest.

"It's the one by Adele." I say and inwardly frown as his face folds in confusion, "You know, _we could have had it all..._ " I trail off, and it's like the light bulb in his brain turned back on.

"Oh, her- yeah, I know her." He chuckles to himself, flipping through the pages. "Are you going to sing that one?" It's like he hit a chord, something wrong snapping in my head and it hurts almost, but I'm certain he didn't even know- there is no way he'd be taunting me about that. He couldn't know about it.

But still, I snap "No," I wasn't angry at him, really but at myself, for letting just that insinuation that wasn't even real still get at me. It was like he broke into my head for a second and I was exposed. I study him, his eyes trailing through the song, and he doesn't seem to notice my discomfort.

"Do you want me to help you practice, anyway?" He asks, looking hopeful, maybe wanting to spend some time with me, maybe have me probably tutor him in math, but tonight I can't. We discussed it in Glee club yesterday, but I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot already.

"Actually, I was just finishing up." I tug the book out of his hands and stuff it inside my bag, zipping it up "Quinn and I have that mission tonight, remember?" Finn trails slowly after me and I turn to look at him, wanting to comfort him but also really excited to spy on the other team. He drags his palm along the back of his neck, his face sheepish, sad. "See you tomorrow?" I ask, reaching up and he automatically bends down as I place a kiss on his cheek before he tries to kiss my lips, something was off with me tonight and I give him a quick hug to try and fix it.

* * *

"Quinn!" I holler as she comes around the corner, "Time to go," I giggle and a smile appears on her face. We arrive at her car quickly, both of us excited to spy on our competition and see what they had in store. "Thanks for coming with me, Quinn," I say as we hop in. It comes to life when Quinn turns the key.

"Well it wasn't as if I had that much of a choice." She says, fiddling with the radio. I want to laugh, but I know it's true. Quinn and I aren't exactly friends but we are also no longer enemies. Between passing Finn back and forth like a football and fighting each other for lead spot, it was hard not to get close and get past our past. We decided to put it all behind us and focus on the future and the present. We were part of the same club, we shouldn't fight, but still, we aren't friends and there is still a rivalry between us, but it's a healthy one.

"If I ask or tell you things in confidence, you'd be hush about it, right?" I ask and though she nods, she doesn't hide the wary look on her face. Probably scared of what I'm about to ask her but I still go for it, "I think I'm losing interest in Finn," I say, staring at her, ready to gauge her reaction the second she hears me but if she is surprised, she doesn't show it-- she actually smirks instead. 

"Okay...?" She leads with, egging me to continue.

"We slept together a month or so ago." Her eyes go a little wide, not even she got that far, something I want to hold over her, but I can't.

"Wow, that's something I didn't not expect," She chuckles a little, but other than that remains silent, waiting for me to actually address the problem.

"The thing is... he is planning a life in Lima with me in it, not thinking about my plans at all," I let out a big sigh, wondering if she'll laugh at me. I look away just to find myself looking at her again. She bites her lip and I can tell she's thinking. Of ways to destroy me or win Finn back or actually help me, I don't know, but I rattle on, "It's not like I went into this without knowing where his thoughts would go. I just thought our love would be enough- you know, we love each other a lot, but when I look at him or hear him talk, especially about after graduation and he's just focusing on Lima, he wants us to go to the local college together, become coach for glee club and football, respectfully." I lay my head back against the head rest watching the highway race by, "but I don't want that and I don't know how to just let myself go around him anymore." 

"Well, maybe you should break up." I gape at her. _Of course she wouldn't actually help me._ Quinn shakes her head, like she knows what I'm thinking, "He doesn't get your interests and you don't get his, right?" I'm ready to tell her opposites attract, but she continues, "In five years down the line, will you be happy if you stay here with him, or are you going to miserable?"

"I never—" I try to protest her but she cuts me off, not listening to my excuses.

"Just because you slept together doesn't mean you have to end up together. You don't have to stay with him out of pity or because you're scared." She's not being mean, I can see that she is trying to help me face the problem, in her own unabashed way but I don't want to hurt him. "All love comes with pain, trust me on that." She would know, with the whole baby-gate and everything, "but if you want something more, if you know something out there suits you more, don't hesitate." She looks at me for a second and suddenly I know she knows that Jesse is in my head lately, and she smiles softly, reaching out for my hand. "It's your life, Rachel, and only you suffer the consequences." She squeezes once and then lets go.

I turn up the radio, ending the conversation to let us both have some time with our thoughts.

* * *

We pull into the parking lot and weave our way through the corridors, making our way to the back seats of the auditorium, hiding in the shadows. We couldn't see the director but the choir group was almost flawless. I could see the hole Jesse left, though. The male lead was off a beat at one point and it looked like Giselle wanted to take his head.

Everyone in the show choir circle knew that Vocal Adrenaline's director was always a complete hard-ass, no matter who had the title. They knew how to win, how to use their students to bring out their best voice. It was an admirable feat but I bet some of the students had to be full of envy.

"Guys! Stop trying to do whatever it is you are trying to do!" A voice calls from the teacher's pit and it is so achingly familiar. It stirs an automatic feeling inside, the feeling of wanting to leap up and run away before it tempts me any further. His voice that I hear in my head- I feel my world go dark as if I'm in a dream. Quinn looks at me, her eyes full of worry and wonder. I know then that she knows, she's known probably for awhile and she knows why I suddenly doubt my love for Finn.

I stand, fully intending to walk away, to wait in the cold for Quinn to finish the mission, but again, his voice rings through me. "Do I need to show you how to do a ballad?" He calls out and I turn to see all of the kids quickly nod, ready to give up their stage to see him in action. _Who wouldn’t?_ He commands a stage like no other guy I know. 

They don't wait to run down the steps, quickly filing the rows, grabbing the perfect seats to see his flawless performance, because that's what he'll deliver. He stands and shrugs off his jacket, leaving it on his chair and then, already issuing a commanding aura, takes the stage. Standing under the lights, they illuminate every part of him. Even from here, I can see the raw feelings in his eyes, the tremor in his arms as he shakes off any hanging nerves. It feels like he can see me way back here, but if he can, he shows nothing of it. He walks to the piano on stage. Every ballad seems to need a piano. His demeanor changes completely, from a coach showing off to a broken man, broken by love.  _I know the feeling._

When his fingers start, coaxing out the melodies, a hush falls over us all. It's just the start and yet my voice is itching to be set free, to join him on that stage, to share a stage with him again but that feeling is nothing that I can't control. I won't do it, not with him.  _I can't_. I think that so hard, it has me clenching my fists, my nails biting into the soft skin but then his voice slips into the soft cords. He fathers them but he's under its control.  _"It's easy to fall in love but it's so hard to break somebody's heart,_ " His voice floats over the whole place, like coffee in the mornings, waking us up and calming us all into submission.

He surprises me every time, his voice folding itself into my heart again, me unknowing. It's a voice I hadn't realized I had been missing, needing.

His talent is squandered in this place. I hear some students gasp in surprise and I smile, happy that they are amazed by him. He is a wonder- why he is not in New York, attending every audition and casting call, but here, directing students like me, makes my head spin in confusion. " _What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield._ " His voice continues on and I can't help it, the pull is back, so strong I'm ready to give up. I can't fight it and my eyes can't leave him, he's fascinating. That connection we had since _Hello_ in the music store must be real on some level- I know he loved me still at prom, at New York, though he was pushy and stifling then, the way he looks now... the roll of his shoulders, the air of authority, the atmosphere he creates with just his voice... he's grown up too. He's not a kicked puppy anymore, licking his wounds. Has he moved on? One moves on and the other moves back.

And just like him, stealing my song oh so long ago, I steal his, paying back his favor. Feeling him twist around my heart like a chord that just won't break. I put one foot in front of the other, walking down the aisle. My voice floats up, swirling in the air, chasing his own. Everyone looks at me, some with glares, knowing who I am in a second while the others are baffled that I would challenge their leader, but they don't know this isn't a challenge. It's a message- but of what I don't know yet. I just know that I want to sing with him again, feel whole again without any piece missing. I don't care in this moment what they think, I've had worse.

I pay attention to him on stage, only his face stays in my eyes. " _Once lust has turned to dust and all that's left's held breath_ ," I sing out and his eyes hold no surprise at my arrival, like he had known this song would pull me in from a town more than thirty minutes away. It's just him and me, his eyes appraising me, his mouth twists into his signature smirk, like he's telling me that I never could stay away. I wonder if it's him or me that can't stay way, who is the gravity for the other. " _Forgotten who we first met. What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield_."

" _We both know it's coming- does illusion count for something we hide?_ ” We sing it together but I feel like it's aimed at me, asking me. Once this line would've been on him, but that drama is over, done with. Now when I look back at the ordeal, I don't hate it. It hurts but not in a way that'll break me. No, now it's my turn, me who turned away in New York, who fell back into Finn's embrace. " _The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie,_ " We both go on, marching on for each other, toward each other. His eyes make me shiver in my soul, his voice makes my heart stutter. He touches me without lifting a finger. He lets the lyrics flow from him so easily. Who I once thought felt no real feelings, had no heart, put so much forward on his stage or maybe I was blinded by my hatred, not to realize that his heart is what makes him so good, the reason he can be this man, this actor. His range of emotion is so far beyond me and what he went through to earn that, to bear that weight... I can't imagine.

If I looked back in my memories and took the time, there were moments when his eyes were telling me different than his words. On the stage with Vocal Adrenaline, taking back his lead, his eyes that showed heartbreak and the pull to stay at McKinley with me. Then the egging in the parking lot- the eyes that cried with no tears, the pain in them at the sight of me covered. He looked like he want to shield me, take the eggs, stop the mess, but he couldn't so his show face went on, barring me from the truth underneath or maybe it was me, who just never took the time to see it.

The pain in his voice _now_ isn't fake. The sight of me must spin new emotions in him, all bleeding into the lyrics of the borrowed song. We always conveyed our feelings, spoke to each other through music and this time, I think, is no different, " _You and I, we have to let each other go_ ," He sing to me, his eyes don't break our contact as his fingers keep moving across the keys perfectly, the heartbreak in his eyes just for me to see. He is ready to turn away, save himself from anymore damage that I can inflict. I almost forget there are two in our story, that he is a human with a soul, burning and broken and I broke his heart too. " _We keep holding on but we both know what seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield._ " I can't place anymore blame on him. It was my turn to carry it.

" _Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun. Be strong for both of us,_ ” I sing out, begging him, overwhelmed by these feelings I could've sworn had left, attacking me. He's ready to leave me and I run back, ready for him- no, needing him and the comfort of who he is to me, with me, " _No please, don't run, don't run,_ " My vision swims for a second, then his eyes, piercing me. I already threw myself into the lion's pit, I couldn't leave now, " _Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield,_ " I feel like I couldn't hide from him, as if I ever could. Without even speaking, we know which part to give each other. It is one of the amazing things about us—then I remember that I destroyed every chance of an 'us' thus far. He seems to not hate my intervening on his lesson, but that could be his show face. The truth is I didn't know, but I knew I needed to know. I need to be here, singing this with him to know- to realize just where life wanted to take me.

He keeps singing and I keep walking toward him, closer and closer, " _We seemed like a good idea, we seemed like a good idea_ ," his spirit feeds the simple words, the shared vision comes forward, what could've been. The power couple of Broadway, both there for each other's opening night, when we win our deserved Tony's. Conquering New York, making albums, sitting on top of the world, our hands forever intertwined. Stages together, passing memories between us, as we grow older and share our lives. He's ready to forget it all, conquer alone now.

I come in again, sharing his pain, " _No blood will spill if we both get out now._ " Jesse, in front of me, hands gliding along the piano keys, staring at me, urging me to sing with him, making me his Christine. I know too that if I leave him again, if he leaves me again, we can probably escape a lot of hurt- but is every relationship going to have its ups and downs? No love can come without pain. This man wouldn't leave me alone- I see him no matter what and I won't let him leave now. " _Still it's hard to put the fire out,_ " I sing to him, battling him. I can't see my life without his interruptions.

" _What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield,_ " We join our voices, coming to an impasse. This is no longer a love story, he says to me, his voice coming in at me from all directions, powerful and breathtakingly Jesse, stout and firm. He's serious- his voice, his eyes, staring me down in that lobby, in another city, in our past, daring me to turn my back on him, daring me to slam the final nail in our coffin and I had done it and he wasn't playing anymore. _Game over._ A long time ago it seems I had drove in that final nail but a part of me believes he would take them all out, even if he was left bleeding, we weren't done yet.

" _Feelings are shifting like the tide, and I think too much about the future,_ " I sing out as he lets his fingers play the perfect notes, drawing the music out of me. " _What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield._ " My confession lies in these words, what I've been fighting, burying down beneath the thoughts I let crawl over them. I pushed him away for so long, let my naive side think he was wrong for me, about me.

Quinn's question revolves around me. Will I be happy in five years? Stuck in Lima- a small town with nowhere to go? Will Finn be happy in the big city, when he want's this small town?

" _We both know it's coming- does illusion count for something we hide?"_ He breaks into my thoughts, bring my eyes back to him, no longer on the future of Finn and I. Jesse was here in front of me, pulling away from me as I chased him, " _The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie,_ " He sings on with my voice singing the harmonization, vocalizing without any words, singing with him as thoughts consume me. My feet stop moving, stalled on the steps toward him, just what he wants, for me to turn around and give, prove he was right in leaving me alone. What is the lie though? What more do I need to reveal? I'm so twisted up in high school drama that I can't find a way out. 

" _You and I- we have to let each other go_ ," He sings out, telling me he understands, he doesn't fault me. He doesn't want to be in any pain and he wants the same for me, to live the life I want. He doesn't want me to hurt over Finn and he any longer, so he'll let me go. I realize that even though we understand each other better than anyone, I've lead him to the biggest misunderstanding of all without even realizing my lie. I couldn't have known. Being young and reckless doesn't excuse me for breaking hearts like they don't matter- a lesson he learned as well and tried, no, did make up for, " _We keep holding on but we both know,_ " It's inevitable, he says. A word I thought that described us so long time ago and now he uses it to push me away.

" _Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun_ ," He sings it in time with me, our voices harmonizing beautifully, as only the magic we can make casts a spell on everyone. " _Be strong for both of us. No please, don't run, don't run,_ " His fingers pull the simple melody from the piano, breaking our eye contact as he looks down, bringing the notes into the world with careful movements. " _Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield_ ," I see a tenseness about him. He doesn't know why I'm here or if he should be excited or elated, but I excite him, my voice mixing with his makes his blood run, makes him feel like he is no longer alone on stage, and what does that mean my presence is for him? Probably like me, it means a comfort in the competing world of Broadway, someone always on your side, someone ready to lend a shoulder when the call doesn't go your way. 

I ask myself, too. The feelings consuming me- are they the song or are they him? Making me face the horrid truth of my actions, that I pushed away the one who could or would actually understand me. The one who would love even the things about myself I can't love. He sings out the ending of the song, " _We seemed like a good idea_ ," It falls from his lips, over and over, as my feet walk toward him, deciding still if I can turn away again, bury this again, trick myself again. _Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are?_ I asked this once to my members and now to myself. The lyrics leave my lips, as well, joining him on the closure. He knows just as I do, that this part is mine to sing, as I'm the one who had let him go. His eyes find mine again, as our voices merge and I hear him, his longing, and the heartbreak. He's serious in his attempts to move on.

I thought I would never find him again in my own heart. I had put Finn there, was content with only Finn in my life. I thought I was. I thought Jesse was just a blip in Finn's and my forever story, our own little fairy tale, but now, standing here, pulled by his music, this song, he himself- what if it was Finn who was the blip, what if it had been Jesse? He was the man who had found his way in to trick me, but he came back when he didn't have to, apologized and tried to make things right in his own way. I hadn't cared then, the way he fought so hard made me run away, tricked all on my own when faced with _Jesse, the man who liked me_ , who would never hurt me, his real self and real feelings. Just like me, charging in head first, ready to give his all and yet he came back with nothing. And now? Now I found him on my own through accident. Here to simply spy on the competition, but I found him, brought to him by our own red string. 

Jesse was the man who had no place in my life but kept coming back, not to tear me down, I realize, but to make me better, stronger, ready to face anything. His eyes stared into mine, our voices merging with our hearts- his finally brandished on his sleeve for the world to see, not hiding anymore. I felt my heart swell, the butterfly’s rush. " _We seemed like a good idea_ ,” His voice is leveled, singing out his feelings, wrapping each word in a memory that is his truth. His fingers finish out the song. Bated breath hangs in the air. The song is over and I stand before him in the lion's den. Will I try to run? I think I'm through with running.

I have so much to deal with in the real world still. I'm in a relationship outside this auditorium but I haven't felt this nervous in a while, and I knew it was him triggering these feelings. I never felt nervous singing with any other guy, but when it was Jesse... my heart pounds, my hands sweat, and my face blushes, but that is what I loved, love about it. I knew he couldn't be happy to see me, I joined in without a second thought. It just happened and now I was on his stage, at my will.

He stands up suddenly, breaking the concentration for a split second before our eyes snap back to each other. Both our hearts laid bare on the stage. He was everything I was, my match, my equal, the one who really knows what I am thinking, no matter the space I put between us, no matter how much I threw him away- he returned. I returned.

In the moment, I didn't think. I saw him and no one else mattered, no one else existed. My outside life was fading from me. I couldn't turn him away again. I couldn't let him go no matter how hard I tried. It's that that made me put one foot in front of the other, basically just short of running to him. His arms captured me, and he's warm and whole, his scent is the same, as comforting as fresh dried clothes or curling up for a musical marathon on the couch as snow settles around the house with hot coffee, or getting to sing the song that perfectly describes you when you can't find any words to express yourself. His arms, him, he was that for me. Always had been.

And now I was in them, holding on to him for dear life, "Jesse..." His name a breath, my eyes closed tight, afraid all of sudden that he wouldn't accept me, wouldn't wait for me to clean up my life outside. My grip tightened.

He pulled away to soon, setting my feet back on the floor. His hand pushing back a lock of my hair, tucking it away, his thumb grazing my cheek. I felt the blood rush to that spot and was certain my cheeks were flushed. He pulls me toward him, one hand on my face, my neck, spreading fire, while the other anchors me, lightly placed on my waist, and my chin tilts up, not needing any incentive, I just _know_ what I want, what his touch coaxes from me, and his lips brush mine in response, a soft pressure, barely a few seconds but it was enough to know that he would be here, waiting for me to return to him, that he had been waiting for me. My hands went to his arms, like I had never forgotten him, the way he stood next to me or the way his body met mine, the way he held me, the signature touch that was only for me.

I knew it would happen one of these days, I just wished it would have happened after high school was done, that way I didn't have to hurt Finn like this and face him every day but I couldn't run, I couldn't do that again. I had pushed Jesse away once, throwing Finn in his face like I had thrown Jesse in Finn's, trying to prove that my high school romance was more than a power climb, was a fairy tale, but now, feeling his hand curve into my back, pulling me back as he pulls me in, nuzzling my neck, his breath hot and stuttered and his warmth is all around me, there was no going back. I couldn't turn him away again, no matter the progress I had made with Finn and the Glee Club.

As he pulls away, meeting my eyes with a gentle curiosity, I wondered how it took me so long to figure out what he already knew back at the music store, must have known to let himself go this far for me. On some level he had to know it and now I know it too: that we were _inevitable_.

**Author's Note:**

> Song- Battlefield (Lea Michele)  
> I know the song doesn't match the time at all, considering it wasn't produced when the meet takes place, but ehh, I don't care ;p


End file.
